Worry

How do you not worry? I am a worrier. I always have been and it's only gotten worse since I've become a mother. I worry about getting sick, losing Jason, the girls getting sick, losing another family member. You name it, I worry about it. Trust me my ulceric stomach (is that a word?) will agree with me 100%.

My dad has neuropathy. It's a nerve thing with his legs/hip/back type thing. He has a hard time getting around. It's been going on for several months and certainly isn't getting better. If he has to be on his feet and around a lot he uses a wheelchair. If it's short distances or he's feeling so-so it's a cane or walker. It's quite sad as this is NOT how I imagined he would be spending his retirement. You work so long and so hard and THIS is your reward?

Well his legs have been swelling really bad over the last few weeks. Getting even worse this week. He went to the doctor yesterday and they are sending him for an EKG as the doctor seems to think that it's either heart or kidney related. Oh my soul! What?!?!?!?!? There is a slim possibility it could just be from him immobility at times, but probably the heart or kidney. And he's pretty certain the kidneys are functioning okay. Which leaves the heart. He's had some heart issues before. Open heart surgery when he was much younger. A heart attack when I was 10---VERY SCARY! He's heart has shown some enlargement over the past several years as well.

Now how do I not worry about this? His EKG isn't until MONDAY! That seems like an eternity. In my tiny mind I am still very young and so are my parents. Things like this not so gently slam me back into reality that this is not the case. I have gotten older, and so have my parents. I don't even want to entertain the thoughts of there ever being a time that I can't just pick up my phone and call either one of my folks, even if my mom does drive me semi-crazy at times. It scares the hell out of me to be quite honest with you. They are my support system, no matter what.

So last night my head was full of worrisome thoughts. Tonight, pretty much the same. I am just so scared. I've prayed, a million times as usual, and will certainly continue to do so. But how to keep from worrying? My sister is a "don't worry until there's something to worry about" kind of person. Man I wish I could be like that. Unfortunately I got my mom's "worry about everything that you can possibly worry about and then worry about something else" genes.

So I am thinking calming thoughts...not working. I've tried distracting myself and keeping myself busy...not working. Crying doesn't help, although I've given it a good try.

This on top of the fact that I received news this week that a brother of a friend of Jason's is suffering from a very rare and inoperable type of cancer. Sooooooooo scary! This is a young guy, with two small kids and a beautiful life. How can this be? One thing about the c-word, it doesn't discriminate when it invades someones life.

There is also an officer on the department who's wife is battling a rare stage 4 cancer that is also spreading and pretty much inoperable. They have a 6-year old and a 1-year old.

Man life is not fair!