Summer Break!

Woo hoo! Today was the last day of school! It was an early release day even, so Kori got out at 12:30 (they actually came out at 12:20 but don't tell anyone). We were home at 12:30 and Kori was in trouble and in her room by 12:35. Apparently she was irritated with Alexis (already????) and decided to put a mark on her face with a crayon. **Sigh** It might be a long summer. Other than that, the day was pretty uneventful. I had a headache all day, couldn't get the stupid thing to go away.

So now summer break is upon us. We have befriended several neighborhood kids and it seems our house is the "place to be" so there's always someone coming and going. I did frown at a couple of them that decided 8am was a good time to ring our door bell the other morning. I had Kori inform them that her father works nights and sleeps during the day and he would NOT be happy to be awakened all summer with the door bell ringing. Silly kids.

Not much going on here as of late. The past week was busy with stuff. Jason working, off-duty, school things. I worked at Kori's school on Thursday to help with Field Day. It was sunny and warm, unlike last year when it was in the 50's and raining, so they got to do all kinds of fun outdoor water stuff. Good times! Kori was soaked, but had a blast. Thank goodness I sent an extra change of clothes and a beach towel. I had a pretty cush job. I was in the cafeteria with a few other ladies passing out pink lemonade and popcorn for the snack/break period. Inside in the air conditioning, easy peasy!

My girls are outdoor junkies. All four of them. They would be outside 24/7 if they could. They have been grubby little pigs every night. My bath tub had sand bits in it on more than one occasion. Jason and I can't figure out why everytime they are in the sand box they are dumping sand on one anothers heads???? Silly kids.

So pray for my sanity. I am hoping we get into a good rhythm and I don't spend the whole summer fussing and grumbling.

I had to laugh the other day. Kori asked me several things and unfortunately it was one of those times where the answer always seemed to be no. Finally she said, "Ughhh, that's all you say is no, no no" as she stomped off down the hall. It made me giggle just a bit.

Tonight we went for ice cream with my sister and my niece Mallory. The girls were being silly and noisy in the back seat. My sister kept fussing at them and after a few times, Kori proclaimed, "Man, you always stop us from having fun". It's a tough job being a mommy somedays.

Flying By Yet Standing Still

Time that is. How can it be that it feels like my world stopped spinning last Wednesday, but yet it has now been over a week since losing my dad? Unreal.

I had an okay Mother's Day. We went to dinner on Saturday to beat the crowds. We got my mom out of the house and took her with me. My awesome hubby also bought me a new Canon Rebel digital SLR camera. It's a combo birthday/Mother's Day gift. I really love it! I am having fun taking lots of pics with it!

I started my housework on Sunday. I figured why not. Jason was home and could help mind the herd so I got some done. My house was neglected in the housework department so I got lots of stuff done. I finished it all up on Monday. Wish it would just stay clean. Oh a girl can dream.

Jason's dad and step-mom came down on Tuesday afternoon. They came to check in on me and do a little pampering, which I appreciate. We had take out for dinner which is always good. My step-MIL made a nice lunch on Wednesday and invited my mom and sister up too. It was very nice and so appreciated by us all. It was nice having extra people here to keep my mind from wandering. Jason had returned to work on Monday night so it was just me and my thoughts. Night time seems to be the worst. The kids are in bed and the house is quiet a dangerous combination.

Today I took my mom to the Social Security office to take care of that paperwork. Then we went on to the retirement office and got pension paperwork taken care of. Then we got a call from the funeral home director (an angel here on earth) saying that my dad was ready to be picked up. Great! He was going home, where he belonged. So many things done that allowed my mom to have a little more peace in her crazy sad live these days. My sister kept the little girls so that they didn't have to trollop along with us.

This afternoon we headed to the park to watch my nephew play in his final two games of the Jr. Varsity baseball season. They won both games, the girls enjoyed the fresh air, it was a good time.

So that's about it here. We are managing. I still feel so very sad, but am trying to put one foot in front of the other, as my dad would have wanted. I just miss him so very much.

Gone

I don't have the energy to post everything, but my dad, the best, sweetest, most loving dad and papa on the planet passed away tonight about 7:20.

I am so sad. Sounds silly to use that word, but it's so appropriate. I am just so very, very sad. Sad for myself, my children, my mom. While I am sad, I am not selfish enough to wish him here just for him to suffer more. He is in a much better place. The small amount of comfort I get from all of this, is knowing that he has been reunited in Heaven with my beautiful sister.

Growing Up Is For The Birds

I am 25 days out from turning 36. In my mind I am still 18-ish and my parents are still in their 40's. Not the case I know but that's how I like to think. That way I don't have to worry about my parents and their declining health and where I am going to be emotionally when they are no longer in my life here on earth.

My dad is not well. He hasn't been for a while, but it's getting worse. He has trouble eating. Has blood pressure issues. He has neuropathy and has for a while. A couple of weeks ago he went to the doctor and it was determined that really nothing else can be done for him. He has an advanced directive and it's no secret that he's never wanted any artificial interference with keeping him alive. I've known this for years, but everything in my heart screams to get him to the hospital so they can help him. Isn't that what hospitals do? They fix people.

I went Saturday and saw my dad. Took the girls too. He was up and around and told me he was "feeling a little bit better". My dad has lost about 70 pounds or so and is thinner now than I've ever seen him. that was clearly evident on Saturday. He did have a bit of an appetite on Saturday, which was good. He's been eating so little over the last couple of weeks. We have been doing their yard work, by we I mean Jason, since physically my dad can't do it anymore. He was up and around and it made things seem not quite so serious. Unfortunately on Sunday he was bad either in bed or sleeping in the recliner in the living room. Last night he started getting bad abdominal pain. He's taken some pain meds and has been in bed most of the day, except when he got up and at 6 or 7 bites of oatmeal for dinner. Everytime the phone rings I about jump out of my skin. Worried it's going to be my mom with bad news. My dad is only 65 years old, and to me that is still so young. I still have a lot of things to do in my life and I need him here with me while I am doing them. My girls need their Pop-A for a lot longer.

I am just so sad and scared and anxious and did I mention sad? I remember when my sister Margaret passed away six years ago so clearly. The absolutely horrible, gut wrenching, despair and sadness I felt. I still feel it. I am not sure I can do that again. I just don't think I can. I am a pretty strong person. Or I like to think I am. I am a 10-year melanoma survivor. I have had some surgeries here and there for various minor things. I have four kids that I tend to mostly on my own. I carried triplets to 35w 3d without bedrest or major complications. There are a lot of things I know I can do, but I don't think that this is one of them.

During stuff like this I tend to clam up. Keep things to myself. That's how I deal. How I cope. When my sister passed away Kori was only 18-months old, she didn't understand when I told her. I don't know how I'm supposed to tell my kids. I worry my girls won't remember their Pop-A. It will be up to me to keep his memory alive to them.

I know he's not gone yet. I'm hoping for a miracle, believe you me. I just feel like getting older and having to be grown up is for the birds.